If you’ve ever had a baby in the last 5 years, and you’re an online type of mom, chances are you’ve been part of some birth club or message board. Message boards can be amazing and horrible all at the same time. When you’re a parent, and you’re online, you meet all types, and the worst best thing is,you’re online, and it’s very easy to hit that enter button.

Chances are you’ve come across the following types of moms, which one are you?

1) The Researcher/teacher: The one who is used to having control in all situations and whatever she says is right because she’s researched it…on the internet. And she tells us all about how this is the way to go… because the internet said so.  NOTE: this person does NOT have to be a teacher in real life.

2) The Grammar Police: This person can also be a grammar freak, and will point out people’s horrible usage of the English language-EVERYTIME. And you’re doing it right now to this “poorly” written article.

2) Ms. Popular: This is the person who everyone likes, and let’s face it, we all want to be her-a little bit… sometimes. Her shit doesn’t stink, I swear… She could bottle it up and sell it to us and we’d buy it-she accepts paypal right?  She usually has a large following of moms and she could say something really offensive and people would just smile and nod. And we all hate her just a little bit.

3) Woe is me:  Everything that could ever go wrong in this person’s life, has, and she’ll tell you about it and why she’s got an messed up life, OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

4) The Single mom: Love this woman. Much respect to you.

5) The Whore: The one who goes out and has an affair instead of talking to their husband. And then bitches about the lack of intimacy in their life. Again no judgement. Maybe he really is a lying, cheating, douchebag, I don’t know.

6) The Shit Disturber: This person will just post hot topics to provoke people, they WILL add drama to the board. They like it. They will start the drama. They’ll also likely piss you off. Unless you are this person.

7) The one with the cutest baby: Yah, the one that posts a billion pictures of the same photo, just in different angles? We get it, your baby is the cutest baby alive. Now stop it.

8 ) The one Upper: The one whose baby will always meet their milestone first-you could have a 10 year old and this person’s 2 month old would still beat them. Kind of like Penelope from SNL…that is better than everyone at everything. Stop it. I’ve yet to meet a child who could not roll over at 5 years old. Babies will get there, in their own time.

9) The attacker: This person lives to makes people’s lives hell because they think know they’re right and you’re wrong. This person shines their ugly head the most on controversial topic’s the most. This person will offer opinions not advice. This person will fuel the fire of the Shit Disturber. BEWARE of this person. They don’t really care, they just want to make you upset. They’re a “bull-hole”, you know a bully that’s an asshole?

10) The one who tries too hard: You know, she is just a LITTLE too nice to everyone, who tries to be everything to everyone and just comes off a little desperate for attention for people to like them. They’re the ones lurking in your bushes at night, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. So you can be besties in real life. *shudders*

11) The Nice one: This person seems to have it all, she’s just nice. She’s not very judgmental, or opinionated, and she’ll comment on peoples baby photos and be generally supportive of the group. We hate this one too…just a little bit, because they’re like the popular one but without opinions.

12) The one who posts WAY too much information: Who doesn’t like a cute baby bum picture? I’m talking about people who post shots of their kids that will mortify them when they’re older. It’s on the internet people, it doesn’t go away. Do you want your baby’s junk all over the internet? No. This person can also post TMI about their personal lives, their bodies and the like. Let’s face it, birth can be… well TMI for a lot of people, and when women experience close bonding of this… horrible wonderful event, we tend to share things that we wouldn’t share in say… a knitting thread. Its one thing to say it and warn people of TMI, it’s another thing to start posting naked pictures of their DH’s tied up in some crazy sex act.

13) The mediator: The one that never has an opinion and plays Switzerland on every topic.

14) The Spammer AKA-the one with their own business: Let me clarify. I’m all about WAHM’s who can make bucks to stay at home and provide services to other moms! But there are moms out there who don’t contribute anything to message boards BUT their WAH-business blog/website etc. It’s beyond annoying, stop it.

15) The devil’s advocate: This person will disagree with you over everything..even if they agree. The sky is blue? No it’s not; it’s more purplish colour that is speckled with blue. You annoy me.

16) The scientist: Nothing is subjective. If it’s written by the government and quantified by some data, it can’t be wrong. I heart all that is science; subjectivity is for losers…with arts degrees. Didn’t you know? Theories are never disproven, stop trying.

17) The Crunchy Granola: This is the cloth diapering, anti-vaccinating, home birthing, home schooling, homeopathic, and over all holistic mom. This person makes all of her own babyfood and wouldn’t touch store bought food with a ten foot pole. They usually also are experts at EC’ing. I mean, of course a 6 month old can be “potty trained,” they can’t sit up but they can go potty. *this is all said from their off the grid house*

18) The perfect mom: This is the person made to be a mom (look at all you moms saying… now THIS is me! She’s totally talking about me-no I’m not, there aren’t many of you out there and the ones that are the “perfect mom” don’t think they’re perfect) She lives, eats and breathes her children and she enjoys it. She doesn’t do anything out of obligation, but she really feels it’s her life’s purpose to be there for her children. Every mom wonders how she does it. We hate this person too… maybe even the most.

The bottom line? Every mom can be one of these abovementioned type of MMBT (Mom Message Board Type) at any given time. BUT each of you is one of these types MOST of the time.

AND because someone told me I forgot one, the Lurker.  I like you least of all.  You feed off of other peoples lives like we’re a tabloid. For shame!

So what makes me the authority on this? Nothing, this is just my observation. *waits for the attacker, the Spammer, the shit disturber, and the devil’s advocate to disagree with me or put me in front of the firing squad*

***Special note to my American friends. Your boards are by far the most opinionated boards EVER. I’m scared of all of you!***